The Magical Word for Self-Care
My friend and awesome colleague, Agnes Massak Wainman, produced this very funny video about saying “No.” “No” that magical word that can reduce our stress, and help us take our life back.
Want to Increase Your Stress? Multi-Task
A nice, clear, article on why multi-tasking is stress inducing, and some ideas of what to do to reduce our stress. Plus, I am one of the experts cited!
Change Your Relationship to Your Things & Change Your Life
(Image by Anne Dirkse)
This idea was put forth in “the life-changing magic of tidying up” by Marie Kondo. She posits that when we have trouble letting go of a possession, it is because it symbolizes an attachment to the past, a desire for stability in the future, or a combination of both.
I recently got rid of a BUNCH of clothing. I kept taking deep breaths, and asking for hugs as I was doing it. (I had assistance; I wouldn’t recommend doing it alone. I used the marvelous Michael Bruce Image Consulting .)
For about a week after, I felt an increased level of anxiety. Because I am a therapist, this made me curious.
I realized I was definitely attached to my clothing. I had lots of it, which gave me a sense of security. I was in grad school for many years…I didn’t have a lot of money, but I had a lot of clothes.
I was also worried about the future; what will I wear for different moods? What if I want to hide and wear something that helps me fade into the background? (Bruce and Bec helped me let those garments go.)
Marie Kondo states this quandary beautifully…
“It’s important to understand your ownership pattern because it is an expression of the values that guide your life. The question of what you want to own is actually the question of how you want to live your life. Attachment to the past and fears concerning the future not only govern the way you select the things you own but also represent the criteria by which you make choices in every aspect of your life, including your relationships with people and your job.”
I had decided I want to be more visible in the world, hence the change in attire. I was attached to not standing out, to being part of the crowd, not in the forefront. My clothing reflected that.
I decided I wanted to let go of my fears of being seen. Now my clothing makes more of a statement. How do I know? People tell me. (I’m still getting used to that.) More importantly, I walk in the world differently. I am more confident, I stand taller. Literally.
So, investigate this in your one life. Luckily, you don’t have to change your whole wardrobe. But if there is something you are holding onto, even if it doesn’t bring you joy, ask yourself “Am I having trouble letting go of this because of an attachment to the past or because of a fear of the future?”
When we let go of what we hold onto because of fear, we have more room to let in what brings us joy.
You want an easy self-help tip? Change your relationship to your possessions and change your life. Let go of what does not bring you joy.
Tell Your Partner You Want More Space—Without Killing the Relationship
Image by Happa, via Wikimedia Commons
Personal space allows us to remain connected to ourselves rather than getting lost in the other person’s life and beliefs. So many people “lose themselves” when they are in a partnership. I work with many couples who grapple with this issue. It is easiest if both people desire about the same amount of space. But that isn’t always the case.
I have two great tools I give my clients when they are having a difficult conversation. The “Sandwich Method” and “I statements.”
The Sandwich method of communication is: compliment them, say what the issue is, and complement them. Actually, I think it is helpful to include more compliments to offset the sting.
The second tool I counsel my clients to use in any situation is I-statements. As soon as we hear the word “you” our defenses go up. Our needing space is about taking care of our need, not changing the other person’s need.
Here is an example using these two tools.
“Sam, I love you and I love our relationship. I am a better partner when I have enough time to do what nourishes me. I’m noticing I haven’t been giving myself enough of that time, so I am going to take more time for me. I want this relationship to be as strong as it can be, and I know this will help. I love being with you and I want that to continue!”
You have told your partner he or she is important to you, while being clear about what is valuable to you. You are taking responsibility for what you want, not putting it on your partner to fix it for you.
There is no right answer to how much space is best. It depends on the individuals in the partnership. Some people want a lot of time to do what feeds them, some don’t need as much. The important thing is to find a “fit” with another person.
The underlying issue isn’t so much how much space we need, but how can we be our healthiest in relationship, which in turn creates a healthy partnership. When we take time to do what nourishes us, we have more to give our partner.
Who doesn’t want that?
If you are looking for a Seattle therapist to help you connect with yourself and your partner, give me a call
What NOT to Say to someone with Alzheimer’s
If you stop saying these things to a person with a dementia like Alzheimer’s, your struggles with communication and behavior problems will reduce.
1. Never say, “Do you remember me?
This immediately says to the person, “I’m testing you” and they will get nervous and fail. Instead say, “I’m Jane, the therapist” or “I’m Susan, your daughter.”
2. Never argue.
Arguing makes them dig in their heels. Instead agree or ask questions “Yes, this winter (even if it’s August) sure is hot.”
3. Never try to reason.
They literally can’t reason like they used to before the dementia. It won’t work like it used to, or like you want it to. Instead give choices “Do you want to eat lunch now or in ½ hour?”
4. Never say “You are home”
They have gone back in time and they are referring to a home they lived in long ago. Instead, validate their feelings, tell them they are safe and/or ask their favorite thing about their home.
5. Never say “I told you…”
When you say this you are saying “You are a moron who can’t remember things.” Instead, simply repeat what you’ve already said a gazillion times before.
So try these and see the difference!
If you are struggling with a family member with a dementia like Alzheimer’s give me a call at 206-769-8108 and I can help you walk through the disease.