A Tool to Help Fear be Less Fearful

A Tool to Help Fear be Less Fearful

by | Aug 29, 2020 | Musings | 0 comments

Let’s talk about everyone’s favorite topic—Fear.

More precisely, I want to give you a helpful tool to be with fear without it feeling overwhelming.

I was talking about the power of fear with a friend and colleague I was visiting recently, and she practically jumped up and down as she handed me Tim Ferriss’ book Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice From the Best in the World. She opened it up to Kristen Ulmer’s chapter on how to deal with fear.

Kristen Ulmer knows fear. She was the best woman extreme skier in the world for 12 years. She’s the author of The Art of Fear: Why Conquering Fear Won’t Work and What to Do Instead.

Here is what she says about fear:

“Fear is not a sign of personal weakness, but rather a natural state of discomfort that occurs whenever you’re out of your comfort zone. It’s not there to sabotage you, but to help you come alive, be more focused, and put you into the present moment and a heightened state of excitement and awareness. If you push fear away, the only version of fear available to you will be its crazy, irrational, or contorted version. If you’re willing to feel it, and merge with it, its energy and wisdom will appear.”

Kristen has a simple, fast (1-2 minute) process to deal with fear:

  1. Spend 15-30 seconds affirming it is natural to feel the discomfort. We are supposed to be scared when we do new or big things. (What really helps me in this process is saying “This is just a feeling…I am simply feeling a feeling; There is no tiger chasing me.”)
  2. Spend 15-30 seconds being curious about how you are responding to the discomfort. If the feeling seems out of proportion to the situation, or irrational, it is a sign that you have been ignoring your fear, so it is getting louder to get you to pay attention. Feelings are meant to be felt, not repressed. Ask what it has been trying to say that you have not acknowledged, e.g. “You might want to start your taxes soon so you won’t be up all night trying to finish them before the deadline.”
  3. Spend as long as it takes to feel it. Important—Don’t try to get rid of it. That would be disrespectful to fear. Kristen writes, “The key is to feel the feeling by spending some time with it, like you would your dog, friend, or lover…After which, fear, feeling acknowledged and heard, often dissipates.”
  4. For the rest of the day, whenever you feel anxious, stressed or upset, do the process again. Kristen writes, “…I turn toward my discomfort and try to have an honest relationship with it by engaging in this fear practice. I focus on my discomfort, fear, sadness, anger, or anything else that seems unpleasant—all of it—and that effort not only affords me insights but, even though you’d never expect it, also thoroughly and amazingly sets me free.”

I have found the same thing. Our feelings are not here to traumatize us and make us feel horrible, they are here to communicate to us how we are living our life. If we honor them by paying attention, we will have more awareness and freedom of choice in our life.

A client of mine recently shared with me, “I’m learning I have a life to live. It is influenced by emotions and fear. They will always be there. I have a choice to be frightened or to embrace them and keep going; new ones will come. When I first came here, I was stuck in my thoughts. I’m learning to have greater peace. When you have peace, your soul is satisfied. You can take what comes at you. You are not defensive…It allows me to be who I am—who I want to be.”

This is what is possible when we are with our feelings rather than repress them.

So, go ahead, try this practice of being with your feelings, and notice the difference in your life.

Take care,

P.S.  My book is published!!!!!!!  You can buy it in paperback or on Kindle, here!

Dig Deep and Know Your Strength

Dig Deep and Know Your Strength

by | Apr 8, 2020 | Musings, Resilience, Stress | 0 comments

I believe tragedy shows us who we are, at our core.

In my twenties I often wondered how I would have responded in WWII if I were in Germany and not Jewish. Would I have turned in Jews? Would I have punished others? Would I have helped Jews, risking my life and those I love—to be humane in a time of hatred? Would I have stood by silently, hoping to get through unharmed–trying not to feel the enormity of lives lost? I don’t know.

One sunny afternoon, when I was in college, a group of my friends and I were sitting in a loose circle on the floor of a dorm room, talking about whatever was on our minds at the time. I looked around the circle, wondering why we all choose to be friends.

It hit me—we had all suffered a trauma of some sort. Each of us. Yet here we were, winding our way through a very demanding college, making friends, having fun, thriving.

Being the overly-philosophical one of the group, I asked my friends what they thought—were our traumas what brought us together?

It was not our trauma, we decided—it was our strength.

We all had a sureness, a solidness, we each unconsciously recognized. It drew us to each other. Don’t mistake me—we (or at least I) all had our own brand of insecurity, suffering, and angst. But we felt strength below that.

We are in a time of mass trauma. Listening to the news yesterday morning. I almost sank to my knees, as further realization of the devastation sank in.

I wondered how I was going to handle all the pain I was feeling.

Then it hit me—I’ve been in training for this most of my life. I’ve been through tragedy and survived. I’ve felt immense pain and moved through, and past it.

I love reading fantasy novels, books with other worlds, magic, villains, and very flawed heroes and heroines. The characters dig deep, find their strength, and save themselves and others as a result.

Sadly, what we are living through with COVID-19 is not fantasy. The entire world is experiencing the very real struggles, uncertainty, and fears too many face all their lives.

Many of us have already been tested, and though we still struggle, we know our strength. We will make it through, stronger, even if the end result is death.

This is a time for us to dig deep and remember—or discover—our strength, our resilience, our human need to connect, love, and care.

Some will be too scared and will shut down, closing in on themselves to ward off the knowledge of what is happening. Give them your compassion.

Find loved ones in your life, or authors, speakers, and leaders who inspire you. Spend time with their words, wisdom, and strength.

Let their strength touch your strength.

For me, Brene Brown is a touchstone. She reminds me of who I want to be—who I can be. She just started a podcast, Unlocking Us. As I type this, I’m listening to Liz Gilbert being interviewed by Chris Anderson of TED. It is a worthy way to spend an hour.   John McCutcheon is a folk artist who is, quite simply, a good human being. I am more in love with the world every time I hear his music. 

Be kind to yourself, dear one. As Liz Gilbert said, cover yourself with a “blanket of mercy.” We are all struggling.

Struggle is ok, it is natural. Allow yourself to feel the pain. You will survive.

Remember your strength, your courage, your ability to care. Let this time hone you. Let yourself come out stronger, more courageous, more honest, more caring, more you.

I love you. You can do this.

Take care,

Want to make your New Year’s Resolution last more than a week?

Want to make your New Year’s Resolution last more than a week?

by | Jan 3, 2020 | Musings | 0 comments

Welcome to the season of goal setting and self-flagellation!

I stopped setting New Year goals years ago, because I always started off the year feeling like a failure.  I am not alone.

Research has shown that less than 25% of people are still keeping their goals by the end of January.  Worse, only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s goals.  

Nevertheless, we are still driven to set big goals, create vision boards, buy gym shoes, and hope for huge changes–because of a day on the calendar.  

(Don’t even get me started on how weird I think it is that we are supposed to be awake, excitedly happy, kissing someone, and jumping up and down blowing a horn because the clock goes from 11:59 to 12 on a cold, dark, night of the year…)

But back to the original topic…There is a lot of information out there on how to set goals and keep them.  Yet we continue to fail. Why?

Most of us don’t keep our goals because we don’t believe we deserve them.  

If you decide to set a goal for yourself, I suggest a small, gentle practice to help you create a shift in your beliefs. 

Say to yourself “I’m the kind of person who (insert your goal.)”

I first learned this tool on a visit to the East Coast to meet with my coach.  I stay with my friend Mellissa when I first arrive. I usually didn’t exercise on those trips, because the meetings start at 8am, (5am my internal clock time).  That felt WAY too early for me to get up early to exercise.  

Melissa asked me “do you want an idea to help with that?”  Since she is a mindset maven, I of course answered “yes.” She said “say to yourself ‘I’m the kind of person who exercises.’”  

She learned this idea from James Wedmore’s podcast interview with Colin Boyd  http://mindyourbusinesspodcast.com/podcast/255

I said it.  It felt good.  I said it several more times that day to Melissa.  I said it before I went to bed. I said it when my alarm went off at 6am (3am my internal time.)  And I got up and exercised! For good measure, I said it while I was exercising. That felt super good!  That was a year ago, and I still use that practice when I’m on the East Coast. I feel SO much better having exercised before sitting all day.  

Here are 4 reasons it worked.  

  1. I didn’t actually set a goal.  I just kept repeating how I wanted to act.  I didn’t qualify my success on a certain behavior.  I just kept repeating to myself what I wanted to believe about myself.

     

  2. I didn’t make the statement too audacious. I didn’t say “I’m the kind of person who exercises every day for an hour, for the rest of my life.” Ack! I would instantly rebel. That goal is too big and unforgiving. The first day I didn’t exercise, my goal would be a failure.
  3. Because I chose a statement that was a stretch, but not too big, it felt good to say it. I literally felt better just by saying the statement.
  4. I kept repeating the statement. Remember, beliefs are just thoughts we keep thinking. When we keep repeating a statement, positive or negative, it becomes a belief.

If you have a behavior you want to shift, practice saying “I’m the kind of person who (insert the behavior you want.).  Notice how it feels to say that thought. If it doesn’t feel good, try other statements until you find one that feels good to say.  

Repeat it.  Say it out loud, write it on sticky notes, put a reminder on your phone, tell a friend.  Repeat it until it feels like a belief about you. If you believe you are the kind of person who…you will be the kind of person who…

Let me know how it works for you!


Take care,

 

Why Gratitude is so Powerful for your Brain

Why Gratitude is so Powerful for your Brain

by | Nov 15, 2019 | Musings | 0 comments

Why is the simple practice of gratitude so helpful?
It is good for our brain and makes us more effective:

  1. Positive emotions fill our brain with dopamine and serotonin.  These chemicals make us feel good and increase our ability to learn.  They help us process new information, keep that information in the brain longer, and remember it faster later on.

     

  2. Feeling happy improves our ability to perform tasks and solve problems.

     

  3. We feel better when we think happy thoughts.  People who are grateful are more energetic and emotionally intelligent.

Gratitude is powerful!

Many years ago, I decided to try out this gratitude thing.  It sounded good, but I always test things on myself to see if they work, before I share them with my clients.  After 2-4 weeks of a daily gratitude practice, I noticed I started feeling spontaneously grateful throughout the day.  It actually caught me by surprise!  I could tell my neural pathways were being built and strengthened.
What’s the best way to practice gratitude? 
Our neural pathways can be rewired faster if we have a feeling attached to the thoughts because it uses more of our brain.  
Here are two simple exercises you can do to help retrain your brain into grateful thinking: 

  1. Spend 30 seconds just FEELING gratitude.  Pay attention to what is happening in your body.  Do you feel your chest expanding?  Do you feel it becoming bigger and warmer? Do you notice a change in your breathing? There is no right way to feel gratitude.  Just notice how it feels in your body.

     

  2. List 3 things for which you are grateful.  Feel true gratitude for what you listed. Some people prefer lists, either written or spoken aloud.  It can include the same things over and over again, or it can be as varied as you’d like.

When is a good time to do this practice?
Morning sets you up for your day and bed-time thinking shapes how you perceive the experiences in your life.  Both are important, and feel free to award yourself plenty of bonus points if you practice morning and night!
While the time of day is an important factor, the most important part is the actual feeling.  You can take 30 seconds at any point during the day to feel gratitude!
Practice it and let me know how it works for you!  

I am thrilled to announce I am offering my on-line course 7 Powerful Practices for Your Inner Perfectionist in January! 
What if everything you knew about being perfect was wrong? 

  1. Are you hard on yourself?
  2. Do you worry about being judged by others?
  3. Do you always judge your results as not good enough, no matter how hard you worked?
  4. Do you want to be a better person?

If you answered “yes” to 2 or more of these questions, this course is for you!  

Take care

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