by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
I had an exhausting weekend working with triggers.
Do you ever respond to something that, on the surface, seems relatively minor, yet your response is immediate and intense? Further, your response is not how you would like to respond, given a choice? That is how you know you have met a trigger.
I just spent my entire weekend training in Lifespan Integration with Peggy Pace. It was intense. The basic concept is that when we have experiences that are traumatizing to us in some way, our self at that age becomes a part of us that is not integrated. That part continues to vigilantly watch out for similar situations, a.k.a. triggers, so we can protect ourselves. The problem is we protect ourselves from the perspective of our age during the original incident, rather than the mature adult we have become.
Lifespan Integration is about letting go of those triggers. I can’t explain how it works in this blog–I just spent two whole days learning it–but suffice to say it is powerful.
I can tell you one thing that was reinforced this weekend. The presence and confidence of a therapist is central. The therapist’s role is to convey “there is a new way–and I am here to shine the light to help you find that new way.” My work is to not only inspire hope in my clients that change is possible, but to truly know that change can, and will, come.
That, is powerful work.
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
Let me tell you why I say that.
Today I “processed” out of a group for women who are business owners (run by Mikelann Valterra http://www.womenearning.com/). I have been part of the group for almost three years. I have received many gifts from taking part in that group of women. I am sad to leave, and it is time.
One of the reasons I started my groups for women over 40 who never had kids was because of the power of Mikelann’s group. Being in a community of women with whom I can share my fears, struggles, enthusiasm, and successes is powerful.
Many of my clients feel they are alone in their struggles. Groups help us see there are kindred souls sharing our journey through this magical, and sometimes mystifying life.
So why do I say groups are wonderful things to leave?
Two reasons–First, in the conscious process of deciding to leave, we realize how much we have learned over the time of our participation. We come to see the value of our time, effort, and energy. Second, we can hear how others in the group see us. Most of the time we walk around blithely ignorant of our effect on those around us. It is when we leave that we find out. (If I had my way, that would be different.)
So, I will continue to participate in and, when the time is right, leave the wonderful supportive, and life-giving culture of groups.
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
My response—“I would *love* that!”
My client and I were talking about the propensity for parents to tell their kids “don’t get a swelled head”. Many of us in this society grew up believing that being proud of ourselves was a bad thing.
How do you respond when you get a compliment? Do you try to brush it off—“Oh, it’s nothing” or “I had a lot of help”, or do you say “thank you” and really mean it?
The other day a couple of colleagues told me they were impressed that I’d turned something in two weeks ahead of time. My response was “Thank you! I’m impressed with myself too!” We all laughed.
One of my goals in therapy is to help my clients have more compassion for their inevitable human mistakes, and to put it bluntly, celebrate themselves.
The problems with boasting come when we brag because we don’t understand our worth, and we try to convince others of what we don’t believe ourselves. That gets annoying.
When we truly value ourselves and we share that enthusiasm with others, people tend to celebrate with us, and everyone feels happier.
Let’s celebrate our swelled heads!
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
I was recently listening to a speaker who asked us what we would share, if we knew we had one minute to live. What is the most important thing we know? I realized I would tell people to listen to yourself for your answers. As long as we look to others for answers, for our sense of worth, we will always be off balance.
I spent much of my life believing others knew what was best for me. I remember a watershed moment, about 10 years ago, when I first questioned that belief. I was on Edisto Island, in South Carolina, with four dear friends from college years. Several of them were offering me advice on how to get a relationship, or have children, or something along those lines. I realized they were offering me their answers. I also realized they did not know what was best for me. That was the first time I consciously held that knowledge.
Since then my trust in my own knowing has continued to grow. I still have times of confusion, and times when I ask others their opinion, but I no longer believe they know me better than I know myself. Their thoughts can spark new ideas, or point out something I had forgotten, but they cannot give me my answers.
With that knowing I have come more into my own sovereignty—and my friends no longer are burdened by figuring out what I need to do.
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
“The effect of one good-hearted person is incalculable.”
Oscar Arias
He who binds to himself a Joy,
Does the winged life destroy;
He who kisses the Joy as it flies,
Lives in Eternity’s sunrise.
William Blake
“We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.”
Japanese Proverb
What is this group magic…
The humility to be real in front of others
when we speak, we speak for many…
when we hear, we hear for many…
Jennifer Wells
“When death finds you, let if find you alive.”
African Proverb
“He who knows others is clever;
He who knows himself has discernment.”
Lao-Tzu (604-531 B.C.)
Grief and Transcendence
There is magic
in sitting in the wild, raging,
ravishing stillness of grief.
BG
“When you try to control the outcome, you lose the potential for wonderment.”
Gerry Gramek
I catch
the maple leaf
then let it go.
John Wills
“Wellness is not about health–It is about attitude.”
Bernie Segal
“One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”
Andre Gide
Thirst
The uses of Sorrow
(In my sleep I dreamed this)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this too was a gift.
Mary Oliver
