by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
“It’s a good thing we aren’t dating huh?”
He was right.
My friend asked me to call him to make sure he was awake to pick me up for a 6 a.m. trip to the airport. He wasn’t…and his phone was turned off. I was nervous, but not angry. My energy went into problem-solving mode to make sure I didn’t miss my flight.
If we were dating I might have been angry—angry because he obviously didn’t care enough to make sure he would be awake. He didn’t care enough not to make a mistake. Because he is a friend and not a partner, I could see the situation for what it was—He forgot to leave his phone on—simply that. It was not about me. His mistake did not reflect our depth of friendship.
I realized after hearing him say “It’s a good thing we aren’t dating huh?” how much we can make others’ actions a reflection of us. I also realized how much happier I am when I take people’s actions and words at face value. They are acting according to their desires. I get to decide if I like the actions, but I don’t get to decide the motivation behind their actions. (I have plenty on my hands analyzing my own actions!)
So when I get perturbed or flummoxed about something someone else says or does, I repeat “It’s not about me.” That simple phrase gives me peace of mind.
Oh, the airport ride? He picked me up at 6 a.m. on the dot.
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
Last week the third group for women over 40 who never had kids was completed. Each time this series ends, I leave my office with a sense of gratitude and a sense of loss.
I am grateful for the women who chose to participate, and the bravery it takes to make the decision to take part. I am awed by the creativity with which these women chose to live their lives; and I am heartened by the hope they have for their future, even when they hold grief, or confusion, or anger.
I also feel a sense of loss because I look forward to seeing them every week and hearing about their lives. Though the sessions, a container is created in which women share and bond. A connection is made, and then we disperse.
So I’ve made up my mind.
It is time to do what I’ve desired since the first group ended. I will now offer monthly drop-in groups for women over 40 who never had kids—to gather, share, and connect. It is open to women who have taken part in my groups, and to women who haven’t but are curious.
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
I had an exhausting weekend working with triggers.
Do you ever respond to something that, on the surface, seems relatively minor, yet your response is immediate and intense? Further, your response is not how you would like to respond, given a choice? That is how you know you have met a trigger.
I just spent my entire weekend training in Lifespan Integration with Peggy Pace. It was intense. The basic concept is that when we have experiences that are traumatizing to us in some way, our self at that age becomes a part of us that is not integrated. That part continues to vigilantly watch out for similar situations, a.k.a. triggers, so we can protect ourselves. The problem is we protect ourselves from the perspective of our age during the original incident, rather than the mature adult we have become.
Lifespan Integration is about letting go of those triggers. I can’t explain how it works in this blog–I just spent two whole days learning it–but suffice to say it is powerful.
I can tell you one thing that was reinforced this weekend. The presence and confidence of a therapist is central. The therapist’s role is to convey “there is a new way–and I am here to shine the light to help you find that new way.” My work is to not only inspire hope in my clients that change is possible, but to truly know that change can, and will, come.
That, is powerful work.
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
Let me tell you why I say that.
Today I “processed” out of a group for women who are business owners (run by Mikelann Valterra http://www.womenearning.com/). I have been part of the group for almost three years. I have received many gifts from taking part in that group of women. I am sad to leave, and it is time.
One of the reasons I started my groups for women over 40 who never had kids was because of the power of Mikelann’s group. Being in a community of women with whom I can share my fears, struggles, enthusiasm, and successes is powerful.
Many of my clients feel they are alone in their struggles. Groups help us see there are kindred souls sharing our journey through this magical, and sometimes mystifying life.
So why do I say groups are wonderful things to leave?
Two reasons–First, in the conscious process of deciding to leave, we realize how much we have learned over the time of our participation. We come to see the value of our time, effort, and energy. Second, we can hear how others in the group see us. Most of the time we walk around blithely ignorant of our effect on those around us. It is when we leave that we find out. (If I had my way, that would be different.)
So, I will continue to participate in and, when the time is right, leave the wonderful supportive, and life-giving culture of groups.
by Jane Tornatore | Jan 30, 2010 | Musings |
My response—“I would *love* that!”
My client and I were talking about the propensity for parents to tell their kids “don’t get a swelled head”. Many of us in this society grew up believing that being proud of ourselves was a bad thing.
How do you respond when you get a compliment? Do you try to brush it off—“Oh, it’s nothing” or “I had a lot of help”, or do you say “thank you” and really mean it?
The other day a couple of colleagues told me they were impressed that I’d turned something in two weeks ahead of time. My response was “Thank you! I’m impressed with myself too!” We all laughed.
One of my goals in therapy is to help my clients have more compassion for their inevitable human mistakes, and to put it bluntly, celebrate themselves.
The problems with boasting come when we brag because we don’t understand our worth, and we try to convince others of what we don’t believe ourselves. That gets annoying.
When we truly value ourselves and we share that enthusiasm with others, people tend to celebrate with us, and everyone feels happier.
Let’s celebrate our swelled heads!
